(one of) my kensho(s)

no, i do not think i am enlightened. but i do think i've had a number of moments of deep realization. 

at the time these moments seem important. but as time passes, their glimmer fades. in one way, i feel no different about then than i do thinking about what i had for breakfast this morning. in another, i respect their significance and how they have helped me to grow.

i'd like to share one particularly deep kensho experience. it wasn't my first, and i've had a few since, but none were as deep and moving. this is what i wrote immediately afterward. unedited.

it happened upon reading these words from a commentary on the gakudo yojinshu:

"there is no use thinking. this is a great activity that is completely separate from the thinking mind. here, this is teh true nature of the no-self. there is this true nature of selflessness."

when i read this, the most clear understanding of ultimate compassion struck. i felt this "great activity" and suddenly i felt i knew why anyone felt anything...because it is not them, ultimately, it is all buddadharma. which, in a way i knew already. but in this moment i felt it in a way that surpassed my original face value understanding.

it lasted for some time and after a while it became slightly unnerving, because for the first time i was seeing what it was like to be another person. and then i felt that if i told this to somebody, they would think i'm crazy. and then i thought, maybe i am crazy. the verdict is still out on that.

if my first thought was, "oh shit" my second was "it doesn't even fucking matter. i'm exactly the same as everyone else." and i was. we are. the only difference was i knew it.

before zen, you think you are yourself. then you learn that you are everything. then you realize that you are both. and then everything begins to fit into place. and from this point your mind is open to an understanding previously impossible for you to understand.

you then have the opportunity to gain perfect balance. you have a chance to feel your center. this center is neither inside you, nor outside you. it is definitely in a previously unfelt area between you and the outside world, it is both you and the outside world simultaneously.

i have very little regard for the memory of this experience, but i appreciate that it has allowed me to grow.

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