buddhism year one

a year ago i knew nothing of buddhism. outside of phil jackson and steve jobs, i knew nothing of zen.

i didn't get into zen buddhism because i was looking for anything specific. i'm a curious person and i like to know how things work. so when i stumbled upon meditation, which quickly led me to buddhism, i had to know "why?" and for no other reason i started down the path...or as i like to think, jumped in.

i saw that despite how real something appears, it's bullshit. and despite being total bullshit, it's completely real. i learned that there is no beginning and no end to this, or anything. if it exists, it exists. and if it doesn't, it doesn't. and that's it. there is no in-between. and that encouraged me to let go of whether it was bullshit or real or both or neither.

i experienced an intuitive nature to life. inherent nature exists in everything and it can't be measured. i learned that any measurement, for that matter, is arbitrary. what's right? what's wrong? everything. and nothing.

i felt myself as a reflection of everything. that consciousness is a sum greater than it's parts. that the same could be said for anything. and when we follow it all back we find an unexplainable nothing. and that nothing is somehow everything.

i've learned that doesn't make sense. and that words are essential, but ultimately mere tools. they hold no mystery or power unto themselves. and anything that can be learned is not worth knowing unless you know that simple fact.

and, a lot more. at times, it felt like i was being thrown down a white water rapid, frequently smashing head-on into rocks and being scrapped along the bottom.

things have calmed down recently, and i'm looking forward to year two. the rapids have transitioned into a placid ocean (at least for now). the land which i once had to have my feet secured to at all times is beginning to disappear over the horizon. and think i'm ok with that, because i think i have everything i need right here.

so here, a year later, i've come so far, but i haven't moved an inch. nothing has changed, yet it all feels different.

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